It's National Coming Out Day here in the US. The day hasn't been the cause of any personal revelations for me since 1989, the year I started seeing my first girlfriend. Being me I pretty much did it all at once. Know me, know I am queer. Having spent my preteen and teen years without coming out to anyone and agonizing about it, once I was out I was not interested in hiding any more. Ever. Because I "pass," because people don't look at me and think "lesbian," I try to be sure that people with whom I have more than a brief interaction know. I don't think I am particularly in anyone's face about it, but when it's relevant to refer to Theresa in a conversation I am sure to refer to her as my wife. I think it is important to remind a world that assumes heterosexuality that we are everywhere.
And now there is Nepal, land of contradictions. On the one hand, Nepal has legalized gay marriage. Amazing, yes. And we should hang our heads in shame that we have not been able to do the same here.
On the other hand, everything I read says that Nepal has a very conservative, homophobic culture. So much so that same-sex friends hold hands and are physically affectionate in public in a way one would never see in this country because it is SO unacceptable to be gay it doesn't even occur to anyone that two women holding hands are anything other than friends.
So for the first time in 21 years I find myself eyeing the closet curiously. I read that I should take photos of my family because the Nepalese really like to see those. Theresa is butch enough that I could easily call her my husband Terry and no one would bat an eye.
But I hear myself thinking that and something inside me dies.
But I will be a woman traveling by myself in a conservative country where I don't know anyone and don't speak the language.
But social change comes only with personal risk. Even if it is only from a naive white girl traipsing half way around the world.
And ducking risk is hardly what this trip is about.
I think I have answered my own question writing this post but would certainly appreciate any thoughts you have.
I don't know that the conversation you have about "out or in" with your peers in San Francisco will translate well in Nepal--however individuals can surprise a body (you never know how people will receive differences). Feel your way and see what makes sense--you don't have to bring the answer with you.
ReplyDeleteHere's an interesting article about Maoist homophobia in Nepal: http://www.counterpunch.org/leupp04232007.html
ReplyDeleteWhen I was walking in the desert with No More Deaths, I would shout that I was from the church along with everyone else - even though I'm a rabid atheist - because I had heard migrants say that was the major reason they trusted us and allowed us to give them help.
I'd say you need to decide what kind of social change you are trying to bring, and how much risk you want to take in order to be effective. For example, it may be that you can do more in terms of domestic violence if you present yourself as heterosexual. Sasha is right too... you can take it slowly and see what kind of vibe you get.
Wow. I cringe at the idea of a world where you have to pretend that you have a husband Terry... on the other hand, I think it is Extremely Important that you come back home safely!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Sasha that this is not something you need to decide before you get there. Bring the pictures of your family (and don't forget Mattie :-), and perhaps avoid showing them unless you feel comfortable, and safe! in the situation.